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[29 Sep 2007|09:46pm] |
i decided long ago:
"never let your loved ones know who you really are,
people want the truth but never want the scars."
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| if not NOW,. then when? |
[15 Aug 2007|02:47pm] |
when i reach a functional hysteria at our capacity for loss, there is one thought that curbs it. i have a single consolation, one slim exit lane (lit as an airplane isle, with tiny white lights) past the cloverleaf of worry and of grief: a reasonable person cannot loose herself in lamenting human suffering without counting herself as a participant in the objectionable situation. it's like swearing at traffic—you ARE the problem. you do not contribute to it, you do not permit it, you are it, by definition.
to meditate excessively on human sorrow manufactures more of the same. the margins of our happiness are quite slim, we suffer a great deal by virtue of our blueprint--we simply don't have room to allow morbidity, to dwell on the unfortunate aspects of our condition. the dying starts before we're born. the living, unless you force it, may never start at all. a committed existentialist is not sulking at the party, she's grinning at the gallows with a tip for the hangman, one last cigarette, and tight fistful of whatever happiness she has managed to extract from a life in the mine.
so buck up, i say to me. not as a dismissal of the heartache all around you, not as a concession to the mindless council of the optimists, but because if you don't buck up, immediately, you are absolutely full of shit. if you were as angry as you pretend to be about the absurd excesses of human pain, you'd combat them anywhere you found them, even if they lay sleeping in the ringing hollows of your very own bones.
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[13 Feb 2007|09:56pm] |
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..and maybe the winter does this to everyone, but it seems like you’re the only one whose heart is as cold as it is outside..
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[04 Feb 2007|11:05pm] |
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Seriously, though. I don't get girls who pluck their eyebrows until there is nothing left and then proceed to fill in the space where their eyebrows USED to be with pencil.
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[19 Jan 2007|08:34pm] |
Vermont for the weekend for this[and some much needed time away from Rhode Island] with my favorite boys.
Back Monday.
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[16 Jan 2007|09:09pm] |
I have a corneal ulcer in my left eye.
Which hurts, quite a bit. And makes it hard to see much of anything.
Meh.
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[16 Dec 2006|02:34pm] |
GWAR last night. The Red Chord opened. Awesome. Most fun I've had at a show in a long, long time.
It was a nice change of pace, musically, as I've been listening to nothing but Alice in Chains and Xasthur for the past week or so. Yeah. Grunge Rock and Black Metal. Weird. I blame the weather.
FOR STORMY:
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| intentions |
[07 Dec 2006|01:41am] |
you've got my number, you can make the call: until then i wont bother you at all. i'd let you walk all over me again, but a smile is something i could not pretend. and every time i felt like this was wrong you made me feel like i should tag along. once or twice it would be nice to see you, even if i don't believe you.
there'll be no doubt, intentions clear. we'll hide our thoughts behind the mirror. there'll be no wrong, there'll be no right, but this could be a lonely night. with wintered steps our footprints fall, but i can't feel a thing at all.. i know it's wrong to make assumptions, but without them i'm left with nothing. i've always focused on the fractions to slowly understand what happened..
know you've got a lot of questions,
but the answers always aren't the best thing.
once or twice it would be nice to see you..
even if it's bad for me to[o].
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| every time you justify, another good in you dies |
[04 Dec 2006|01:38am] |
My mood lately? Please see Ocean Machine's "Night".. 'cause that's as close to an explanation as I can get. And it's not very close at all.
i've been holed up in the frost
breathing in my own exhaust
i've got movies in my head
making loops of words we said
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| && |
[15 Nov 2006|01:05am] |
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it's times like this when everything goes black and white; there's so much more that i want to say, but i can't and you know what? that's all right.
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[12 Nov 2006|08:21am] |
like a plane crash that never hits the ground
i fall in love with you
i'm nose over tail for you
your voice like the sound of sirens to a house on fire
you're saving me
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[25 Oct 2006|01:53pm] |
So uhhh.. I'm going to be 22 on Friday.
Yeah. Where did 18-22 go? No, really. I haven't the slightest idea.
Been spending a lot of time with bitchface before she moves to Portland, OR on Monday. It's hard. I know she's doing what she needs to do for herself, and I'm so, so proud of her.. but at the same time I love her and I'm going to miss her sososofuckingmuch. Argh.
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[19 Oct 2006|11:39pm] |
i hate this. everyone feels so fucking far away.
it's just really lonely sometimes, you know?
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[12 Oct 2006|09:52pm] |
"Constantly pawing at the edges of events - reacting instead of acting, mourning the past and praying for the future instead of stirring up the present.." - G. Maguire "Wicked"
Follow up appointment tomorrow afternoon. On Friday the fucking 13th. I'm still trying to swallow the fact that it's been a month already.
I'm just grateful that he's going to be there, holding my hand. I honestly don't know what I'd do without him, sometimes.
And sometimes, I hate that.
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[09 Oct 2006|12:51pm] |
4 months today.
I love him.
The end.
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| haha |
[05 Oct 2006|06:39pm] |
on missing isis last night:
"yeah isis was asking where ann marie was. i said shes busy making blankets for odin in valhalla. isis was like.. oh.. that makes sense."
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[04 Oct 2006|01:34pm] |
♥
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[22 Sep 2006|12:49pm] |
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i'm lost.
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[21 Aug 2006|10:34pm] |
forget tomorrow, side with the open road.
pulled apart for you,
in the window unlocked and left open
for the rising sun taking you back home.
if we never meet again it would be too soon.
i'm glad i ran from you and now my life's a mess.
and i'll have to admit that i have made a mistake.
and every path that i take has lead me right back to here.
and i never should have left.
The HP Lovecraft tree is dead. Jon from Dissection is dead. It's been a shitty month.
Things I'm looking forward to, in no particular order:
-changing leaves and pumpkins and bonfires and apple picking and orangeandredandgold and halloween and the smell of fall. autumn's coming!
-cohabitating with tony. weekdays are really rough, lately.
-two weeks cigarette free (wednesday)
-working at field of screams
-the providence horror film fest
-rock&shock '06
-opeth
-midnight horror movie showings at the avon
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[14 Aug 2006|12:52am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
smoke free. heh. |
] |
I quit smoking. Cigarettes.
F'reals, this time. It'll be a week on Wednesday.
end.
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